In July 2023 I wrote this after suffering for quite a while. I didn’t publish it because I didn’t feel strong enough. It’s not just my journey. Many struggle in silence.

“I’m struggling a lot. My mental health is in real decline and I’m finding things hard.
My cancer medication is giving me so many side effects, in waves, that I am not able to overcome. It’s causing so many issues in my body and mind. I’m losing my brain when trying to remember things. I’m trying so hard to stay on top of exercise as one side effect seems to be inability to loose weight. I feel disgusting all the time and hate my body so much since my last surgery. The final straw is panic attacks. In situations I’m usually able to control. It’s like I’ve lost the ability to control my whole being. I have never experienced these before and they are scary. It feels like my heart is going out of my chest, my breathing quickens, it is so scary to be so out of control. Only after my latest public panic attack did I realise I needed help. A GP won’t understand, so I called my oncology nurse and have finally had an appointment. My oncology nurse made me realise I’m not alone. These mental health side effects of Tamoxifen are not widely discussed. It is hard to know who to talk to because you are unsure what is going on with your mind. I’m not alone; ‘young’ breast cancer patients are feeling the strain of the ordeal and then the drugs. It’s ramping up my menopause and I’ve no control over it. After meeting with the lovely nurse I am going to try a new drug to support the effects of Tamoxifen. Let’s see how the next month goes. All I can say is it can’t get any worse!”

It’s now September 2023 and the dark is clearing and I’m starting to see myself back again. A #tinypill seems to be helping me with my struggles. I have no choice but to stay on tamoxifen to have the biggest chance of cancer not returning. There’s no real choice there. It’s called survival.

There is so much ‘advice’ out there for women during menopause by using HRT, but remember, some of us can’t take the medication you are on, we have no options for the symptoms. So, find your ‘group’. I have my cancer buddies who understand my journey better than anyone over the last 2 years. What we go through is not the same as most. We keep so much hidden from general public but share so deeply when we speak.

The fog is clearing, I’m 2 months clear of a panic attack. I’ve kept a brave face on this for so long, but really talking to your closest does help. Taking that small pill can help. Don’t  be afraid of medicine. Get support if you don’t feel like ‘YOU’ anymore.