But they won’t all….

I woke this morning after another disturbed sleep and remembered thinking when the kiddies were little that sleep deprivation was a short lived thing. I remember that sick feeling of tiredness every morning trying to remember how many hours sleep you’ve had; how many times you got up. I remember feeling jet lagged all day; not being on your top game.

The reason I remember all this is because it’s still our ‘normal’. There is still a ‘baby’ monitor; still waking through the night; still listening out for that ‘mummy’ or ‘daddy’ call; still waking feeling sick. 

The difference is now that we know there is no end and that it won’t get any better. It’ll be more regular, it’ll be more work; more heartache as our son struggles. 

As a full time carer/mum/worker we all ‘see’ the struggles of others but can’t really comprehend it. Even if you walk in our shoes from the periphery, care for one night, you still get to go back to your normal, to rest. 

When it’s every day and you’re expected to then be ‘normal’ ‘happy’ ‘helping everyone else out’ the strain becomes too much. 

I’ve turned a corner recently and realised that for my tEames to be happy I need to be too. I need to say no to things; let others organise stuff; don’t be worried about upsetting others if your plans don’t fit with them; start being me and focusing on me and mine. It’s taken too long for this to happen and I do worry that my cancer was caused by stress-anxiety and I don’t want that back again. Yes, I’m still dealing with menopause induced by medications, but I’m dealing with this! 

So, yes I won’t get anymore sleep, I’ll still be a carer to my boy more and more every day and night – but that’s got to be my focus. He’s here for an infinite time. Make it count. Don’t forget how lucky you really are to have lived and continue to live as you do.