A year ago today & this is me now…

I cannot comprehend to anyone just how hard, life draining and tough this past year has been. In a way it’s got ‘easier’, but I’m so fearful that it’s just never going to be easy; its never going to be ‘normal’ and I’ll always carry this pain and heartache with me every day.

I want it to go away, I want to be normal, boring even. I want my boy to have an easy, normal life. I want to be able to ask for the same myself. But, I can’t. My life is now set down a path I don’t want and wouldn’t wish on enemies.

I want to not cry; to not feel heartache like I cannot describe. I just want to go back and change this all.

I would say ‘I’m better one year on’, but I’m not. What I am is better at putting on a brave face, not talking about it and stiff upper lip!

What I truly am is sad that everyone else got to go back to their normal lives after giving their love and support.

But also, I’m angry, I’m angry that my boy who is the sweetest one I know will have to go through what no one else’s child I know will.

I’m angry because I’ll have to go through it too.

I’m angry because I see all those parents at school gates who just don’t give a damn and they’re ‘popping’ them out;

I’m just angry.

This hasn’t gone away, it’s not going away and I’ve got to somehow cope with it. But, at the moment, I still can’t.

Not the ending you maybe wanted, but the reflection of how I feel right here, right now.

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